Occasional Scribbles

I’m really hoping that I am moving towards a turning point in my life.  I’ve been in the doldrums for rather too long and if I’m not careful I will sink into mddle age, well before my time.  When I think back to my twenties and the busy and interesting life I had then, I can’t believe I have slid into such a low point.  Much of the cause of this wasted life, is The Other’s illness.  When he first showed signs of ill health, we could not have foreseen endless visits to hospitals, having tests, scans, MRI’s and so on stretching into years.  At his lowest point, we all thought he would be dead within the year but he’s a tough old boot and five years later, he’s still here.  He isn’t here in a big way but he is still here.

We used to have a good social life.  Many suppers with friends, outings to the pub, days out, evening bar-b-que’s at the beach, which were a favourite with the boys, occasional gigs at a nearby pub and generally a reasonably satisfactory life.  As The Other got worse though, we saw less and less of our friends, did less and less and eventually people drift away and before you realise it, no one comes around and the phone stops ringing.  The Other was ill and I was depressed and instead of making sure I kept my friends, I shut myself away, put off anyone who wanted to see me and ended up largely alone.  Never in my youthful wildest dreams would I have ever expected to end up with so few people in my life.  Always an outgoing, gregarious, fun type of person, my younger self would be disgusted at me as I am today.  My younger self would have dismissed any such situation as to be so uttely unlikely and silly not to have given the prospect a second thought.  But ones youthful expectations don’t always survive.  I recall seeing other lonely people and wrapped up as I was in the midst of my young children and family and friends, I could never have imagined myself similarly lonely. Loneliness has an attached feel to it.  Loneliness equals a sad person and is slightly shameful; one wonders why are they lonely, must be something wrong with them.  The older you get with less friends, the more difficult it becomes.  Most people have friends going back decades to childhood.  I had such friends for a long time but I lost quite a few when I took up with The Other and led a wild life.  Then I made new friends amongst the music people that surrounded us a while ago, but many of them disappeared, some died, quite a few actually and then I made friends amongst the parents at the boys school.  A lot of them disappeared when The Teen became difficult and he changed schools. I barely know anyone at his current school.  He is too old for me to take him into his classroom and deposit him and chat to other mums.  None of these mums stand around at the beginning and end of each day chatting, as we used to do at his prep school. 

I could have kept a couple of friends from his little prep school, but by then, I was so depressed by The Teens problems and my own, I didn’t want to see anyone and I let them go.  Being stabbed in the back was a big set back to me and I took it very badly.  It’s taken a while to be able to put it at the back of my mind and not to get so upset about it.  I’ve hidden away for far too long, licking my wounds.

Just lately a few things have happened to give me hope.  I bumped into an old friend from the Teen’s prep school  who was clearly sorry to have lost touch and very keen to meet up.  Another friend who lives very close by but whom I rarely see rang up to invite me out for a drink, and I went, whereupon I bumped into two other old friends and we had a very good evening at the pub.  I think I will be going out a bit more often now.  I’ve also reconsidered my work situation.  I’ve decided that I absolutely will not do anymore office work.  The very thought makes me ill.  I have applied for a job as a trainee veterinary nurse instead.  I doubt very much that I will get it, but at least I have applied and who knows, I might get lucky.  All my experience with my own animals and the many waifs and strays I’ve helped along the way, may go in my favour and when I enquired as to whether they were looking for someone younger, they said age wasn’t an issue.  I got The Teen to drop off the application to the Vets who are incredibly luckily, only up the road from me as I need to be fairly near to home what with The Other and Skinny.  He laughed his head off at the prospect that I could possibly end up at college with some of his friends, as part of the job is to go to college.

I’m going to do my very best to get this job but also, I am not going to allow myself to get too upset if I don’t.  There is no doubt that it would be a dream come true for me.  Firstly I desperately need a job, secondly, I need to get out, thirdly, it is so near to home that I could pop back at lunch time to look after The Other and Skinny and The Teen’s school is walkable from the vets.  It would be a big comittment, but I’m willing to take it on.  I just hope they are willing to take me on!  Somehow, I feel it has my name on it.