I’m really hoping that I am moving towards a turning point in my life. I’ve been in the doldrums for rather too long and if I’m not careful I will sink into mddle age, well before my time. When I think back to my twenties and the busy and interesting life I had then, I can’t believe I have slid into such a low point. Much of the cause of this wasted life, is The Other’s illness. When he first showed signs of ill health, we could not have foreseen endless visits to hospitals, having tests, scans, MRI’s and so on stretching into years. At his lowest point, we all thought he would be dead within the year but he’s a tough old boot and five years later, he’s still here. He isn’t here in a big way but he is still here.
We used to have a good social life. Many suppers with friends, outings to the pub, days out, evening bar-b-que’s at the beach, which were a favourite with the boys, occasional gigs at a nearby pub and generally a reasonably satisfactory life. As The Other got worse though, we saw less and less of our friends, did less and less and eventually people drift away and before you realise it, no one comes around and the phone stops ringing. The Other was ill and I was depressed and instead of making sure I kept my friends, I shut myself away, put off anyone who wanted to see me and ended up largely alone. Never in my youthful wildest dreams would I have ever expected to end up with so few people in my life. Always an outgoing, gregarious, fun type of person, my younger self would be disgusted at me as I am today. My younger self would have dismissed any such situation as to be so uttely unlikely and silly not to have given the prospect a second thought. But ones youthful expectations don’t always survive. I recall seeing other lonely people and wrapped up as I was in the midst of my young children and family and friends, I could never have imagined myself similarly lonely. Loneliness has an attached feel to it. Loneliness equals a sad person and is slightly shameful; one wonders why are they lonely, must be something wrong with them. The older you get with less friends, the more difficult it becomes. Most people have friends going back decades to childhood. I had such friends for a long time but I lost quite a few when I took up with The Other and led a wild life. Then I made new friends amongst the music people that surrounded us a while ago, but many of them disappeared, some died, quite a few actually and then I made friends amongst the parents at the boys school. A lot of them disappeared when The Teen became difficult and he changed schools. I barely know anyone at his current school. He is too old for me to take him into his classroom and deposit him and chat to other mums. None of these mums stand around at the beginning and end of each day chatting, as we used to do at his prep school.
I could have kept a couple of friends from his little prep school, but by then, I was so depressed by The Teens problems and my own, I didn’t want to see anyone and I let them go. Being stabbed in the back was a big set back to me and I took it very badly. It’s taken a while to be able to put it at the back of my mind and not to get so upset about it. I’ve hidden away for far too long, licking my wounds.
Just lately a few things have happened to give me hope. I bumped into an old friend from the Teen’s prep school who was clearly sorry to have lost touch and very keen to meet up. Another friend who lives very close by but whom I rarely see rang up to invite me out for a drink, and I went, whereupon I bumped into two other old friends and we had a very good evening at the pub. I think I will be going out a bit more often now. I’ve also reconsidered my work situation. I’ve decided that I absolutely will not do anymore office work. The very thought makes me ill. I have applied for a job as a trainee veterinary nurse instead. I doubt very much that I will get it, but at least I have applied and who knows, I might get lucky. All my experience with my own animals and the many waifs and strays I’ve helped along the way, may go in my favour and when I enquired as to whether they were looking for someone younger, they said age wasn’t an issue. I got The Teen to drop off the application to the Vets who are incredibly luckily, only up the road from me as I need to be fairly near to home what with The Other and Skinny. He laughed his head off at the prospect that I could possibly end up at college with some of his friends, as part of the job is to go to college.
I’m going to do my very best to get this job but also, I am not going to allow myself to get too upset if I don’t. There is no doubt that it would be a dream come true for me. Firstly I desperately need a job, secondly, I need to get out, thirdly, it is so near to home that I could pop back at lunch time to look after The Other and Skinny and The Teen’s school is walkable from the vets. It would be a big comittment, but I’m willing to take it on. I just hope they are willing to take me on! Somehow, I feel it has my name on it.
Occasional Scribbles 
Dear Scribble
loneliness is a strange companion, and the truth is that you can be in company and feel utterly lonely (happened to me oftentimes).
I wish you luck with the job; trainee vet nurse… this reminds me of my childhood hero #1, none else but the great James Herriot himself.
What sort of music scene were you mixing with avec the Other, just out of curiosity? The Designer, you see, lives a “double life”: the architect and the trad musician…
By: Anonymous Academic on 19/09/2008
at 2:20 pm
You may occasionally feel lonely, but you are never alone. Please remember this. Good luck on the job front, being close by can only be a bonus for them too. Maybe the other could help by having dinner ready at night or a light lunch for you during the day, might help his self esteem too. When I worked and my significant other didn’t I put my foot down and told him I could not possibly do everything, and as I was working for our benefit he too should re-think what he could do to help. Try it, he might surprise you, I know he is ill but he might help in some small way, even having the kettle bolied at lunch time would be a help and save you time.
Take Care and enjoy life!!!!
By: Lynette on 19/09/2008
at 2:39 pm
Thanks for your kind comment Anonymous Academic (AA for short I think from now on?!). I also loved James Herriot though I always thought a vet’s life quite hard, specially in winter! It would be lovely though, to at least be considered for the job. I’ll keep you posted.
Music-wise, The Other is a highly talented guitarist and has been in many bands, from trad blues to ‘knee on the monitor’, all out rock and roll with achingly haunting guitar solos a la Steve Vai and Jo Satriani et al. But he is really a rythm and blues/ rock and roll player. I’m looking into a way to get his music onto my blog. Have to transfer it from DAT onto my laptop somehow (not very technical you see!) just to play the odd thing on here and make it more interesting. I am not a musician but have an excellent ‘ear’ and The Other and I wrote a few songs together where I would sing on them and occasionally I did a bit of backing vocals with some of his bands. It was a lot of fun though. Met a lot of interesting people too as you do in the music world!
My brother in law is an ARchitect, he has a pracitce down in Kent, traditional stuff, vernacular and so on!
By: scribbles08 on 19/09/2008
at 2:48 pm
Thanks Lynette, I think that’s a good idea. Even if he takes Skinny out occasionally or feeds The Teen after school it would be helpful, whatever job I get. You are right about self esteem too; he feels pretty redundant, not being able to work and being a man. I can’t do everything either and there is a lot to do. People don’t realise how draining it is to always have to do the shopping, cleaning, cooking and ferrying around, all on your own. The tedium gets you down sometimes!
By: scribbles08 on 19/09/2008
at 2:57 pm
Hi again
Guitars, R&B, rock. I can imagine the sort of crowd that goes with that. Colourful I think would be an understatement, fun – definitely.
The Designer is a flautist, mainly mixing in the trad/celtic scene, which is a potty crowd – in stark contrast with his professional career (‘serious’ contemporary architecture, and the dreaded business people that goes with it; money-grabbing developers and dodgy contractors also known as “non-professionals” by the professionals).
Sorry I can’t offer any advice for the file conversion, not that techy myself.
By: Anonymous Academic on 20/09/2008
at 12:43 am
Yes it was a good time! I love the Flute, it’s a lovely instrument. Quite a different crowd, the folksy, trad people. I like lots of different music, I even quite like certain operas!
The Designer is clearly a very different architect to my brother in law. He does lots of new houses using old materials. He’s also done housing projects in London and is now doing new build offices in different countries for the same client, using all that renewable energy, water friendly, eco stuff that is popular today. I know what you mean about the builders and developers. Luckily he has picked up quite a few of each along the way that he uses frequently and gets on well with.
By: scribbles08 on 20/09/2008
at 11:01 am
Crikey, just read this and feeling very humbled….and heartily wishing I hadn’t been so flip about avoiding contact at the school gate on my blog…..
Sounds like you have been in a place a little familiar to me (though I have had way less cause)..
DO hope you get the job.
btw, in answer to your question, I’m not a pukka tarot reader though I’ve been doing it since I was about seven! Michele Knight is very good – a psychic and tarot reader though she doesn’t do many readings now (but she employs people she hand picks so I guess they wo uld be good – I haven’t tried them). http://www.girlknight.com (think that’s it – if not, there’s a link on the sidebar of my blog). But if you wanted a quick yes or no, or general what the heck reading, email me via my website janealexander.org and I’ll have a bash.
jx
By: Jane Alexander on 23/09/2008
at 5:42 pm
Hi Jane, thanks for popping by my blog, nice to see you! Don’t worry about the school gate – I’ve done that so many times myself, usually trying to avoid a lot of people. There were a very small handful of mums that I was friendly with and we did sometimes chat at the gate, which I miss. God knows I’ve turned up exactly like you, in shades, head down or hidden behind a paper in the car though! Lol!
Will visit your blog re Tarot, thanks! Scribble
By: scribbles08 on 23/09/2008
at 8:25 pm